The comparative concern
When it comes to acute intense emotions, which are generated by a significant change in our situation, meanings is mainly comparative—the new situation is compared with the previous one.
However, when it comes to enduring emotions, such as profound love, development, and dynamic stability, rather than external change, are at the basis, enabling a long-term profound love. This does not mean that comparisons and changes are meaningless in profound romantic love—it just means that they are of a lesser weight.Iddo Landau (2017) distinguishes between two meaningful attitudes toward life: (1) aspiring to be the best, and (2) aspiring to improve. He criticizes the first attitude, which is often associated with over-competitiveness, involving an endless, unproductive search for “the best,” and praises the second, which is associated with meaningful development.
As indicated above, the humble person aspires to improve, but not to be the best.The reduced value of the comparative concern relates to the egalitarian assumption concerning the fundamental similar worth of all humans. I believe that genuine lovers, too, have a similar aspiration: improving their relationship with their beloved, but not searching for the “best” person.
Being romantically meaningful in the first sense of aspiring to find the best, “perfect” lover depends on comparison with factors that are external to the connection between the two lovers. In the second sense of aspiring to improve, love depends mostly on the connection between the two lovers, and especially on their joint activities and experiences. Improving the connection between the two romantic partners, rather than finding the perfect person with the best nonrelational properties, is the most meaningful task of romantic profundity. If romantic flourishing mainly involves improvement, achieving it is in the hands of the two lovers.
If, however, romantic meaning mainly concerns achieving the best, lovers will always be restless, consumed with the comparative concern about missing the “perfect” person, or perhaps the younger, the richer, or the more beautiful one. As Saurabh Sharma nicely puts it: “If you have an old habit of competing and comparing yourself with others, then you are still living your life like a sperm. grow up!!”Another difficulty in considering the comparative concern as central in romantic love is related to the comparative benchmark. The comparison is likely not to be concerned with the average partner, but with extreme ideals presented by romantic ideology and deeply imbedded in our culture (Ben-Ze'ev and Goussinsky, 2008).This will result in being dissatisfied with one's partner.
A similar issue is why people believe they are above average but are not especially happy about it. Shai Davidai and Sebastian Deri (2019) argue that this is so since, although people do indeed believe that they are above average, they also hold themselves to standards of comparison that are well above average; people tend to compare themselves with others who are high on a given domain of comparison. The high comparative benchmark in both love and happiness prevents us from being satisfied with our lot.
Being married to someone who is not perfect but is still a caring and loving partner is not necessarily a compromise. In fact, that partner might be the optimal choice.We can have an (almost) perfect loving relationship with an imperfect lover.The ability to notice and cope with both negative and positive aspects of the beloved expresses emotional complexity and is valuable for profound love. One might even say that an imperfect partner is more likely to have a better love relationship with another imperfect partner than with a “perfect” partner. This is so because the difference between the “perfect” and “imperfect” lovers may hinder the development of the relationship.
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