Anyone who has experienced conflict realizes the direct connection between conflict and forgiveness.
Especially in ongoing relationships, sometimes one or both persons will engage in hurtful behaviors. The hurtful behaviors that accompany escalating and unregulated expression of conflict vary in degree of intensity and, therefore, in the pain they cause.
The less serious may require only a mild reproach and a heartfelt concession to repair any damage to the relationship. However, serious breaches require a complete and heartfelt apology from the offender for there to be any chance of forgiveness and relationship repair. In some situations, no matter what offenders say or do, the people they have hurt can not or will not forgive, and even if they can forgive, they have no desire to continue in the relationship. The sense of hurt and betrayal is simply too deep for them to trust any more; the relationship has been irreparably harmed and must end.The concept of forgiveness has been part of western civilization for at least 3500 years. People recognize forgiveness as an ideal, as a behavior prized in our society. Although forgiveness has long been discussed in both religion and philosophy, practical advice about how to achieve that ideal is limited; people observe and imitate what they see others do, or they may hear a sermon or homily about forgiving (McCullough, Sandage, & Worthington, 1997). Scientific research in the area of forgiveness is a recent development, still generally referred to as an “emerging field.” But interest in the topic is widespread, so the research is interdisciplinary, including scientists, social scientists, and physicians (Heller, 1998, p. A18). The growth in research, which really began to develop after 1985, reflects a growing need for individuals, families, and even nations to understand and implement forgiveness to cope with events in their lives (Worthington, 1998). Careful research into this ancient concept should help people better understand the importance of forgiveness in our lives and provide some practical ways for people to forgive and thereby to receive the benefits, both emotional and physical, forgiving provides (McCullough, Pargament, & Thoresen, 2000).
The need for forgiveness exists after people cause deep personal hurt to others.
The hurt can be psychological, physical, or moral, but the effects are roughly the same (Enright & Zell, 1989). People who have been hurt know that they have been harmed and believe the offenders intended the harm or at least were negligent enough to allow it to occur. Therefore, people believe that offenders have no right to expect sympathy for their behavior. Also, people know that their pain is legitimate and they own the right to feel negatively toward the people who hurt them (Fincham, Beach, & Davila, 2004). Enright refers to forgiveness as a moral choice that is also a paradox; people have a legitimate reason to be angry and hurt and to want to hold on to that hurt, yet they also know that letting go of those negative feelings is beneficial and the behavior our society expects and accepts (cited in Heller, 1998).Although people who have been hurt desire apologies and requests for forgiveness, the decision to forgive is a personal one that is not dependent on the regret of the offender; people can decide to forgive in spite of the offender’s lack of apology or repentance. People choose to forgive so that they can benefit by letting go of the anger and resentment that may be affecting their ability to trust in other relationships. Choosing to forgive gives people a renewed sense of control over events (Enright, Gassin, & Wu, 1992). The following material elaborates on the concept of forgiveness and how it might be achieved.