Barriers to Apology
Although people who have been failed would like an apology, offenders are not always ready to apologize when someone calls their behavior into question. One reason, as mentioned, is that they do not want to appear weak.
Another reason is that the two people involved in the conflict do not perceive events in the same way (Chapter 8). As a result, the reproached person might view the reproach as inaccurate, extreme, or unfair and choose to refuse to account for their behavior. Men and women tend to hold different perceptions of the severity of offenses. Women tend to have a lower threshold for what constitutes an offense, so they perceive more frequently that they have been offended or that they have committed an offense than men do (Schumann & Ross, 2010). Consider the following exchange. She arrives home 15 minutes late and he perceives a transgression and gives her the silent treatment (an indirect fighting tactic), which naturally offends her.| Turn | Speaker | Message | ||
| 153 | M | I’m not mad about last night, I just want you to accept the fact that some, a lot of it was your fault and say “I’m sorry.” That’s all I want to hear. And for you to mean it, and say it won’t happen again, next time you say “I’m sorry”; it’s so hard for you to say. That’s all I want you to say is, “I’m sorry, it was my fault.” | ||
| 154 | F | Well, it wasn’t my fault. (Laughs) | ||
| 155 | M | How was it not your fault is what I’m saying? | ||
| 156 | F | Dave, I’m trying to tell you I came in last night and it was not my fault. I came in, expecting you to say, “Hi, honey”; you don’t say dirt to me for fifteen minutes and all of the sudden... | ||
| 157 | M | It was like five minutes, if that, and I was watching a game. Just like if you we’re watching a sad movie and I come in. | ||
| 158 | F | So what Dave? You always greet me. | ||
| 159 | M | So, so if I didn’t greet you maybe you should have seen that something was wrong with me. | ||
| 160 | F | I was too pissed off at my own little world to care about yours. | ||
| 161 | M | Exactly. | ||
| 162 | F | So what? | ||
| 163 | M | So what? So I was pissed off in my own world. | ||
| 164 | F | So that made us pissed off at each other. So it’s really nobody’s fault, is that what you’re trying to say? | ||
| 165 | M | No. | ||
| 166 | F | No you still think it’s my fault. Godforbid (sarcastically). Let it go at that. | ||
| 167 | M | Because it always just goes at that. All I want you to say is “I’m sorry dude.” | ||
| 168 | F | I’m not saying “I’m sorry” because I didn’t... | ||
| 169 | M | Because you feel no fault, right? | ||
| 170 | F | Right. Right, I was upset. | ||
| 171 | M | So you’re blowing up at me tremendously... | ||
| 172 | F | So were you, tremendously yelling at me... | ||
| 173 | M | I NEVER YELLED AT YOU! | ||
Additionally, in escalating conflict both people may have behaved inappropriately, so both people view themselves as victims and overlook their role as victim- izers (Sillars, 1985). Additionally, some people want to avoid accepting the guilt (defined as feeling bad about a specific event) that they think apologizing implies. In addition, people might fear that they will be punished if they apologize, especially if they think they have a good chance of hiding what happened. Finally, shame (defined as perceiving the self as bad) inhibits acceptance of responsibility; but shame also leads to people’s being more likely to become angry or suspicious and to use aggressive behaviors (Exline & Baumeister, 2000).
The reluctance to account for their behavior that people experience when they have hurt others may be based on a variety of feelings. Yet without that effort, the people they have hurt will most likely not want or be able to forgive them. This material leads to the following:
Conclusion 6.1: Failure events (transgressions) often lead to implicit or explicit calls for accounts.
Conclusion 6.2: People most often want to hear an apology over other types of accounts.
Suggestion 6.1: Provide accounts that satisfy the partner's reproach: this most often refers to a sincere apology.