Factors that Affect Forgiveness

Various factors influence what happens during the process of forgiveness. One strong factor is the nature of the relationship; the closer the relationship, the more likely people are to forgive after the offenders apologize.

The offender’s behavior after we have been hurt also affects our willingness to for­give. As stated earlier, people offer greater forgiveness when the offenders offer a sincere apology in which they express guilt, remorse, and sadness. Also, the offend­ers should ask for forgiveness rather than assume it will be granted and attempt to perform some positive behavior to try to compensate for the hurt that they caused. Contrastingly, if offenders offer insincere apologies, downplay or hide the offense, or blame the victim, people are much less likely to forgive (Exline & Baumeister, 2000). If the perpetrator refuses to acknowledge responsibility and accept blame, people may choose not to forgive as a way to substitute their blame for the other person’s refusal to blame himself/herself If no blame exists, the victim may fear that the person will repeat the behavior (Baumeister et al., 1998).

Another factor is the type of account provided. As discussed in Chapter 6, people make different attributions of responsibility based on the type of account pro­vided. Excuses, concessions, and apologies allow people to make external attribu­tions, thereby holding the person less responsible for the event. These external attributions lead people to be more motivated to forgive.

BOX 15.1 STUDENT STORY

Sister Sister

by

Jennifer Lopez

I was 17 and my sister was 22 when she had her daughter, Karin.

Recently, my older sister seriously hurt me. After 2 1/2 months of avoiding me and not returning my calls, I phoned her. My niece answered and since it had been so long since I'd seen them, she had a lot to talk about. She men­tioned her straight A's on her report card, so I told her we'd have to celebrate. I asked her what she wanted to do together and she said she wanted to go to Dairy Queen on Friday. Then she passed the phone to my sister. We caught up and spoke about her job, her husband's promotion, Karin's report card, Jack­son starting school, the recent vacation they went on and whatever else was going on in their lives. It seemed like a positive and normal conversation.

On Friday, I contacted her to find out what their schedule was like for that evening to take Karin to Dairy Queen. She said she and her husband would be spending it together. The tone was suggesting that it wouldn't be con­venient to have plans hat night. As I listened to her tone, I began to wonder if she was mad at me or if I offended her. I asked her, "Are you mad at me?"

The answer came back in the tone of surprise and annoyance, "Do you really want to get into this on the phone?" I was shocked and confused. I told her I didn't ever mean to offend her. In hopes to get her to open up, I told her that avoiding me and wouldn't get it resolved. It seemed to me that she didn't place much value on the relationship if she would feel angry this long and not take the time to discuss it with me.

As I racked my brain I recalled a phone conversation ten weeks before. The conversation was regarding my sister, her son, and me. Over the last 18 months, my sister had commented that Jackson, my nephew, was behaving badly.

However, recently I was talking to a friend whose daughter had some dramatic results with a homeopathic treatment for a behavioral disorder. I was interested in this finding and thought my sister might also be interested. I wanted to make the option available to her. She reacted in a defensive and offended manner. She yelled, "Nothing is wrong with my son! He's a normal little boy! You're accusing him of being A.D.D. or something. Mind your own business!" I apologized and backed down. Two or three days later I apologized for offending her, and I told her I was seeing a doctor myself for tiredness and anxiety, so that she would understand that my words were not meant the way they were taken. This seemed to make a difference and the conversation ended there.

Now it hit me that she must still be angry about that conflict so I asked her if this was true. Not only was it that situation specifically that had spurred this feeling toward me, but she explained that it was "ongoing problems" she has with me personally. She said that I should keep my "big nose" out of their busi­ness, all she wanted was an apology, and some other hateful comments.

I felt surprised and deeply hurt. It was no longer a confrontation, but a destruction of our rapport and trust we've taken years to establish by attack­ing my personality. At this point I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought, "Why is she making such a big deal about this? Is this a reflection of how she feels about me?

She starting yelling things such as, "You love making people mad! You love causing arguments and conflicts! It makes you happy to do this, doesn't it?" I said that I didn't want to fight at all, but I wished she would've told me this before so we could've resolved it and clarified it earlier.

For two weeks we didn't talk or do anything to communicate. Every time I would think about how to resolve things, or what to say, I just went blank and became very emotional. I knew it wouldn't help to contact her while I was feeling this way, so I thought I would write her a letter. I still didn't know where to begin or how to express what I was feeling.

One night, while visiting my grandmother, she phoned and I answered the call. She asked for my grandma and I handed her the phone. In a moment, grandma passed the phone back to me. My sister asked if I wanted to talk and I said yes. We both started by expressing how badly we had felt over the past two weeks. We both knew that it was an emotionally charged argument and that it was blown out of proportion. We were each sorry for what we had done and said to hurt the other. We each agreed to communicate in a less competitive way next time, by listening more, asking questions more, and giving the benefit of the doubt concerning the other person's intentions.

Even though we have discussed everything and made amends, I still feel that this experience has done damage that was not necessary. We each have a bit less trust toward the other and a little more hesitancy toward the rela­tionship. In some ways I think this is unfortunate. I know I will be more cau­tious and careful in relationships in the future and more aware of the other person's feelings before becoming defensive and hurt.

Discussion Questions

1. Family conflicts can be quite severe and painful. Have you experienced a situation like Jennifer's?

2. Has anyone in your family called you hurtful names? Have you ever for­gotten them?

3. Do you think Jennifer and her sister have forgiven each other? Why or why not?

4. What steps, if any, would you advise Jennifer to take in order to heal her relationship with her sister?