The Process of Forgiveness
Much as with the definition of forgiveness, researchers hold somewhat different understandings of how people forgive. Although they agree that forgiveness is a multi-step process, they identify the steps and stages somewhat differently.
Enright and his colleagues (1992) discuss six styles of forgiveness in a cognitive—developmental model of forgiveness that are tied to six stages of the forgiveness process. Each style/stage is increasingly complex and requires higher levels of perspective taking. The first two stages are not viewed as true forgiveness because the motivation is punishment or reward; they confuse the concepts ofjustice and forgiveness. True forgiveness does not exact some form of payment. The next two stages involve social pressure; the forgiveness is not internally motivated. The fifth requires something to occur after the act of forgiveness: the restoration of social harmony. In all three of these stages, the forgiveness is incomplete because people still hold at least some remnants of their anger and hurt. Only the final type is viewed as true forgiveness.1. Revengeful forgiveness—People in this stage view forgiveness as possible only
if the offender is punished to a degree that is equal to the pain they have experienced. For example, your partner leaves you for another person, so you pray for the day that someone betrays your ex-partner.
2. Restitutionalforgiveness—People in this stage offer forgiveness because the offender offers some form of restitution or because s/he feels guilty for holding a grudge against the offender. In this case, your partner pays for half the house plus a new car.
3. Expectational forgiveness—People forgive in response to social pressure; other people think they should forgive, so they do. Your friends at work think you should try to make amends and let the past be, so you do.
4. Lawful expectational forgiveness—People forgive in response to moral or religious pressure. Your minister stresses how forgiveness is essential to your spiritual walk.
5. Forgiveness as social harmony—People forgive to restore social harmony or to restore relationships. You realize that you would rather be friends with your ex than not to know him at all, so you approach him about being friends.
6. Forgiveness as love—This is true forgiveness because the forgiveness is offered unconditionally; people expect nothing in return. You realize that no-one is perfect, especially yourself, and that we all need grace, beginning at home.
Using a different model, Enright and Group (1996) offer a multi-step intervention process with four main phases: uncovering, decision to forgive, work of forgiveness, and outcome. During the first phase of uncovering, you become aware of what the other person has done and the hurt you have experienced. In this phase, you break down any resistance to acknowledging what has happened, you allow yourself to experience the negative emotions, and then you react to them. When you move into the second phase, the decision to forgive, you experience a change of heart and move toward the decision to let go of the negative emotions and even the desire for revenge. Next, you begin the work to forgive. You attempt to understand the hurtful actions of the other in ways you didn’t previously know or accept. This effort leads to the ability to release the desire for revenge. Finally, you move into the final phase, the outcome. Here, you reinforce your decision to forgive and determine to continue to forgive the other. You also receive the benefit of improved psychological and even physical health, realizing personal positive outcomes from the act of forgiveness (Enright & Group, 1996). Table 15.1 provides the specific elements of each step offered by Enright and Group.
Worthington (1998) viewed the steps in the forgiveness process differently.
His pyramid model, designed as a treatment model, includes five steps. During step 1, recall the hurt, you must acknowledge the pain the other person has caused and realize that unforgiveness is the default response. Only through these two actions can you overcome this almost conditioned response and move toward forgiveness. In Step 2, you develop empathy for the other person by attempting to identify that person’s thoughts and feelings during the hurtful interaction. You try to create as many positive associations with the other person as you can recall. Developing this empathy is an important step in moving from unforgiveness toward forgiveness. Once you have decided to forgive, you move into step 3 byTABLE 15.1 Processes of Forgiving Another
Uncovering Phase
1. Examination of your psychological defenses.
2. Confrontation of your anger to release the it.
3. Awareness of your shame and embarrassment.
4. Awareness of your cathexis (your emotional expenditure as you attempt to deal with the offense).
5. Awareness of your cognitive rehashing of the offense.
6. Understanding that you may be comparing yourself with offender.
7. Realizing that you may have been permanently changed by the offense.
8. Understanding that you may now see the justice or fairness of the world differently.
Decision Phase
9. Realizing that your old ways of dealing with the offense may not be working.
10. Realizing that you may be willing to forgive the offender.
11. Committing to forgive the offender.
Work Phase
12. Reframing your understanding and attribution of blame.
13. Developing empathy for the offender.
14. Recognizing your developing compassion for the offender.
15. Accepting and absorbing the pain from the offense.
Outcome Phase
16. Finding meaning for yourself and for others in the offense, the pain, and the forgiveness associated with the offense.
17. Recognizing that you have needed the forgiveness of others at points in your past.
18. Realizing that transgressing and needing forgiveness are universal events.
19. Realizing you may have developed a new purpose in your life as a result of your experience.
From Enright & Group (1996).
giving that altruistic gift to the other person. You approach this stage by recognizing and remembering guilt, humility, and the sense of receiving forgiveness you have experienced at other times in your life. This understanding allows you to grant the gift of forgiveness to the person who has hurt you. In step 4 you move from the internal granting of forgiveness to the external, interpersonal act of granting forgiveness. And finally, step 5, you hold on to that decision to forgive despite any other influences you might encounter.
Taking yet a different perspective, Kelley (1998) explained the process of forgiveness as a parallel of the account process. First, you must experience an interaction in which someone intentionally inflicts harm. Second, you must reproach the person who hurt you; you convey to the person your perception of what s/he did that hurt you. The offender must then provide some type of account for his/her behavior. Finally, based on the account provided and the personal characteristics of the person and the relationship, you respond with forgiveness when appropriate.
Offering a fourth perspective, Thoresen, Luskin, and Harris (1998) describe a six-step process using a cognitive-behavioral perspective. This approach begins with recognizing the situation and the actions that caused the hurt. Next, you acknowledge your negative emotions and feelings. Step 3 is the act of forgiving, making “a conscious decision to forgive before experiencing the emotional desire to do so” (p. 171). As this process continues, step 4 is accomplished, healing the hurt. Your negative emotions decrease until you finally no longer experience them when you recall the event. The last two steps of the process, while not required parts of forgiveness, may result from the previous decisions.
They are contact with the person who hurt you (Step 5) and learning from the experience to be less vulnerable to hurt (Step 6) by developing more empathy, compassion, and love.Although the existence of these different models may seem confusing and contradictory, the variety of approaches helps people to avoid prescriptive, one- size-fits-all approaches to forgiveness. They allow people to identify a path to forgiveness that will work best for that them in that particular situation. Additionally, the models share some basic characteristics. All are designed to help people understand the necessity of releasing the hurt if they want to heal, to develop empathy and compassion, and to reduce negative emotions. And all separate forgiveness from reconciliation (Thoresen, Luskin, & Harris, 1998).
Viewing forgiveness as a process emphasizes the time and effort required to reach true forgiveness. This process is difficult because it requires us to work against our immediate response to hurtful behavior—the desire for revenge. Forgiveness requires us to make a conscious effort to behave differently. The process cannot be rushed because internal changes must be real for external behavior to change and be lasting. All the models of the process of forgiveness indicate that we must face what happened to us, acknowledge our pain, and then work to move away from that pain and toward forgiveness and the benefits it provides.