HOW TO INTERVENE IN CONFLICT, CONTROL NEGATIVE EMOTIONS, AND FOSTER POSITIVE EMOTIONS

More than an end to war, we want an end to the beginning of all wars. Yes, an end to this brutal, inhuman and thoroughly impractical method of settling the differences between governments.

When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it? (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Earlier, we discussed that our mental short-term “go” system might be coun­terproductive when we are trying to achieve broad, long-term objectives. For complex long-term problems, we need to entertain superordinate regulatory loops in our higher brain structures. We need to slow down our thinking processes so we can critically assess them. We need to get in touch with deeper feelings, thoughts, and factors outside of our dominant mental and sensory models. We have to tap into the largely unconscious, automatic, parallel- distributed processes that supply us with creativity. It is wise to recognize that everybody has “hot buttons” that, if triggered, will stir up strong emotions such as anxiety, anger, rage, fear, depression, or withdrawal. It is valuable to know the other’s hot buttons so as to avoid pressing them and it is important to know one’s own hot buttons and how we tend to react when they are pressed, so that we can control our reactions in that event.

How do we slow down and cool down? Let us assume, you have just quar­reled and are “out of your mind” (the old brain has taken over). Modern brain imaging yields evidence of the effectiveness of meditation techniques. Buddhists claim that destructive emotions can be greatly reduced, in contrast to the com­mon Western assumption that our biological programming for emotions is fixed. Some Tibetan Buddhists think it is possible and advisable to overcome, even eliminate emotions such as anger or hostility, which Western philosophers see as “natural and immutable.” Buddhist concepts such as mindfulness and the concept of sukha (“a deep sense of serenity and fulfillment that arises from an exceptionally healthy mind”) are related.

We find similar approaches in many disciplines. Victor FrankTs concept of self-observation in the framework of logotherapy is comparable. In a more general way, Erving Goffman, an “ethnographer of the self,” has described how people negotiate and validate identities in face-to-face meetings and estab­lish frames within which they evaluate the meaning of their encounters. To return to Eve and Adam’s therapist, she offers a wide panoply of “cooling” approaches—from relaxation techniques to dream journeys or taking in the shortness of life and the futility of petty goals.

Let us assume that you have slowed down and gained distance by using any approach that suits you. Now, you are ready for the next step. You have to con­structively channel and manage your negative emotions of anger, fear, and dis­tress because they are the “gatekeepers” of any communicative effectiveness. “If we cannot put our inevitable negative emotions in check, it is impossible to engage in what is clearly higher order thinking...” say Matsumoto, Yoo, and LeRoux (2005, p. 9). They explain that four main ingredients to personal growth are key to successful handling of conflict, namely Emotion Regulation (ER), Crit­ical Thinking (CT), Openness (OP), and Flexibility (FL). These psychological processes are the psychological engine of adaptation and adjustment.

A host of tools is available that helps regulate negative emotions. Earlier, we discussed hope. Maintaining high hope means engaging in very specific strategies of approaching the world. One such strategy, for example, is the “glass-is-half-full” approach. Lamenting over whatever is “missing” or whatever is yet unaccomplished only drains energy. Lamenting makes it more difficult to conceptualize what is missing as challenge, as a next step, that has to be approached with enthusiasm, motivation, and courage in a joint effort. Eve and Adam have to go beyond wallowing in pain and filling their lifetime with decry­ing their misfortune—they have to envisage with excitement the experiences of growth that lie ahead of them.

We should not conclude, however, that negative emotions are altogether mal­adaptive and ought to be avoided. The premise of “keep smiling” would not do. It is rather a question of avoiding too much and too little. Negative emotions can be functional, not only in emergency situations, but also for effective learn­ing. Successful conflict resolution often requires a certain amount of conceptual change for which negative emotions can be instrumental. Too much positive emotion may hinder effective learning. Studies did not find a clear relation between positive affect and conceptual change. More so, rather than avoiding conflict, “blissful ignorance” may even create it.

Let us assume you have managed to dampen your negative feelings to con­structive levels. Now you can embark on nurturing positive emotions. Barbara L. Fredrickson and Robert W. Levenson (1998) study positive emotions. They offer an interesting new theoretical perspective, which they call the broaden- and-build model. This model questions common assumptions of contemporary emotion theory, namely, that emotions must necessarily entail action tenden­cies and lead to physical action. Rather than action, positive emotions seem to facilitate changes in cognitive activity. What negative emotions are to threat, positive emotions are to opportunity. As we have seen, traditional action- oriented models for negative emotions indicate that negative emotions narrow a person’s momentary thought-action repertoire, an effect that is adaptive in life­threatening situations that require quick action. In contrast, positive emotions broaden a person’s momentary thought-action repertoire. Positive affects and emotions promote intuitive-holistic (right hemisphere, RH) mental strategies, while negative affects and emotions further analytic-serial (left hemisphere, LH) mental strategies. It has been shown that coping and resilience are associated with positive emotions even under the chronic stress of, for example, caregiv­ing and bereavement.

Suppose you have now calmed down, calibrated negative emotions so that they inform you but do not overwhelm you, and fostered positive emotions. What else can we draw upon? Earlier we discussed the benefits of mature mutual love, of anger harnessed in constructive resolve, of humility and hope, of the confidence of a voyager and the warmth that we need to connect us all. There are many other insights we can employ. For example, the benefits of coop­eration have to be made known widely. In his “Crude Law of Social Relations,” Morton Deutsch (1999) stipulates that “cooperation induces and is induced by a perceived similarity in beliefs and attitudes, a readiness to be helpful, open­ness in communication, trusting and friendly attitudes, sensitivity to common interests and de-emphasis of opposed interests, an orientation toward enhancing mutual power rather than power differences, and so on” (pp. 19-20). In con­trast, unhelpful competition induces and is induced by coercion, threats, decep­tion, suspicion, self-serving biases, poor communication, and attempts to enhance the power differences between oneself and the other.

Matsumoto’s voyager needs what W. Barnett Pearce (2005) calls cos­mopolitan communicative virtuosity. For a cosmopolitan communicator, dis­agreement is an opportunity for learning and constructing new realities. Disagreements—rather than catastrophe—are a dilemma that calls for further exploration to find creative solutions, rather than catastrophes. Virtuosity means (a) a “grand passion” for what we are doing; (b) an ability to make insightful distinctions; and (c) the ability to engage in skilled performance.

So, what we need for a world that engages constructively in conflict is “grand passion,” passion for developing new forms of communication that entail a careful and skilled balance between what we discussed earlier, namely the broaden-and-build capacity of positive emotions and the conceptual-change capacity of negative emotions.

In order to achieve communicative virtuosity, it is necessary to unlearn some unhelpful beliefs about intelligence and learning. Intelligence is not fixed, it is malleable (the incremental theory of intelligence). People who believe intelli­gence is fixed develop an ego-oriented performance orientation. They wish to satisfy expectations of others, avoid mistakes, and look smart. They are “facade­polishers,” who endanger others, for example, when they cover up for hazardous mistakes. Those with task-oriented learning-mastery goals, on the other hand, desire to learn new things, even if they might get confused, make mistakes, and not look smart. Research shows that people with mastery goals are basically more successful. In extension, conflict benefits from being approached with a task-ori­ented mastery orientation: we learn together from our mistakes. (See Chapter Fourteen of this book.)

We might draw on what has been called a third factor of strength and faith, such as closeness to divinity, appreciation of compassion, or faith in shared humanity. Kaethe Weingarten (2003) recommends compassionate witnessing. Compassionate witnessing helps us acknowledge and reinstate our sense of shared humanity, and stop dehumanizing others. Concepts such as personhood, dignity, rights, character, autonomy, integrity, shame, humility, oppression, and empowerment are all intertwined here. We have a duty for self-respect. We can­not be moral citizens if we violate our own dignity. Finally, Aaron Lazare (2004) asserts: “One of the most profound human interactions is the offering and accepting of apologies. Apologies have the power to heal humiliations and grudges; remove the desire for vengeance, and generate forgiveness on the part of the offended parties. For the offender, they can diminish the fear of retalia­tion and relieve the guilt and shame that can grip the mind with a persistence and tenacity that are hard to ignore. The result of the apology process, ideally, is the reconciliation and restoration of broken relationships” (p.

To conclude this section, it is important that we know what our “hot buttons” are and, if pressed, find a way to “slow down and cool down” so that we can think and act in a manner that will foster a positive emotional rather than a neg­ative emotional climate for resolving the conflict. It is important to be aware that negative emotions have to be managed particularly cautiously because the abil­ity to constructively channel and manage negative emotion is the “gatekeeper” to communicative effectiveness. It is desirable to dampen strong negative emo­tions and use their energy to foster constructive positive emotions. Meditation is but one way among others to “slow down and cool down.” With regard to opponents, it is advisable not to hit the others’ “hot buttons” but to attempt developing a mutually respectful, caring, and cooperative relationship that is characterized by “cosmopolitan communication virtuosity.”

Let us revisit Eve and Adam to round up their case. Eve and Adam gradually learn that there are other definitions of love and happiness around, not just love defined as mutual dependence in submission/domination. Adam originally believed that only a weak partner would need him, so he kept Eve weak. And Eve tried her best to fit in. Now, both learn that love can flourish between two confident and strong partners who mutually enrich each other. It is a long learning process for Eve and Adam. It is like mastering a totally new language. All their hypotheses about “what works” and “what does not work” must be redefined. Time and again they “fall back.” However, they do not give up.