By now, the reader has learned the impor­tance of conflict.

Our focus concerns how individuals can gain greater control of their conflict interactions by managing them com­petently. In this chapter, we consider how peo­ple can become more competent in managing conflict by becoming more mindful of various “events” that occur during conflict episodes.

First, we present a brief rationale for our conceptual framework. Next, we examine what is meant by competence in conflict management, emphasizing how people can become much more mindful of the manner in which they engage in conflict interaction. Then, we present a model of strategic conflict that locates events where people can mindfully establish objectives for their management of conflict. Following each event, we offer impli­cations for the competent management of conflict. Finally, we present conclusions.

Competence in Managing Conflict

Although several reasons warrant the approach taken herein, we offer three. First, people should adopt a code of conduct to guide their actions when other people appear to confront them. A competence-based approach that emphasizes both persons’ rights to pursue their goals implies that neither person should exploit the other, harm the other, or even ignore the other (Lakey & Canary, 2002). In other words, a competence-based approach suggests that people treat each other in an ethical manner.

Second, the competent management of conflict can preempt the felt need to use aggression and violence in close relationships. Approximately, a quarter to a third of mar­riages experience physical, sexual, or verbal (psychological) harm within the previous year (e.g., Marshall, 1994; see also Spitzberg, this volume). Several conflict scholars have iden­tified that the most likely reason for such “common couple violence” (Johnson, 2001, p.

Third, competence in managing con­flict dramatically affects the quality of close relationships. How partners manage con­flict affects marital satisfaction and stability (e.g., Gottman & Levenson, 2000; Huston, Caughlin, Houts, Smith, & George, 2001). Moreover, the manner in which people man­age conflict dramatically affects parent-child, friendship, and sibling relationships as well (Afifi, Aldeis, & Joseph, 2010; Canary, Cupach, & Messman, 1995; Messman & Canary, 1998). Importantly, partner assess­ment of the other person’s competence in managing conflict affects such relational out­comes. For example, Canary and Cupach (1988) found that assessments of competence filtered the effects of cooperative and competi­tive strategies on trust and control mutuality (i.e., the extent to which both parties agree on who has the right to influence the other). The point is that message behaviors do not directly affect outcomes; rather the evaluation of those messages in terms of competence criteria most directly affect outcomes.