Reconciliation and Forgiveness
Reconciliation and forgiveness are different concepts. Although reconciliation can occur without forgiveness, possibly because people choose simply to move beyond the event or because outside factors necessitate the reconciliation, forgiveness usually precedes reconciliation.
Several factors predict the likelihood of reconciliation; these include the length of the relationship, the level of trust and commitment in the relationship, what occurred after the offense (apology), and forgiveness. Because of the contribution of forgiveness to the model, it is evident that forgiveness facilitates reconciliation (Worthington, 1998).Restoring the relationship is not a requirement of forgiveness, but it can be a result. Forgiveness can be granted by the victim alone, even in the absence of repentance by the perpetrator (Dorff, 1998), but reconciliation requires that both people want to restore the relationship (Hargrave, 1994). Reconciliation is based on the rebuilding of trust between the two people in the relationship. Forgiveness helps people move away from the hurtful event and move to more neutral ground. However, to move beyond this point, both people must enact specific and positive behaviors to rebuild trust and create the feelings that characterize close relationships (Worthington, 1998). Hargrave (1994) explains that, for people to move into reconciliation, they must agree on the specifics of what happened; the offender must acknowledge his/her responsibility for the pain s/he caused and must apologize. The apology serves as an overt statement that will ease the pain if at all possible and indicates that the person regrets his/her past actions and will attempt to be trustworthy in any future interactions between the two people. Finally, the victim must accept the apology.
In some circumstances, reconciliation is not the best outcome of forgiveness.
Noll (2003) found that sexually abused girls who had let go of anger and a desire for revenge experienced higher self-esteem and less anxiety; girls who considered reconciliation, in contrast, had lower self-esteem and greater anxiety. Noll concluded that victims of abuse should be encouraged to forgive, but reconciliation shouldn’t be encouraged because of the negative effects the thought of interacting with the perpetrator had on the girls.Reconciliation does not always mean that the people return to a relationship that is identical to their previous one. Sometimes this ideal is reached, but in other circumstances the restored relationship is not the same. People may need to redefine their expectations and the relationship (Worthington, 1998). In other situations, the two can reach only a relationship in which they can function as acquaintances, interacting but without the closeness that characterized their previous relationship (Smedes, 1998). If both people value their relationship, the effort involved in forgiveness and reconciliation are worthwhile. They will generally experience more satisfaction in the future especially if their commitment to their relationship remains strong (Worthington, 1998).