Refusing to Forgive
In spite of these benefits, some people have difficulty forgiving. Grudge theory helps explain why people would choose not to forgive. In some circumstances, people make a principled refusal to forgive; they believe that forgiveness in any form violates their moral standards.
These people see a very blurry line between forgiveness and condoning (even though most research states directly that the two are different). This concern is especially strong in cases in which people find themselves repeatedly in situations in which they are hurt by the same person. They are concerned that the perpetrator will begin to assume that forgiveness will be granted and so will think less about the consequences of performing the hurtful behaviors. Other people limit principled refusal to extreme situations such as murder, abuse, or extreme cruelty (Baumeister et al., 1998).A second reason is that people want rewards of some type from the person who hurt them. People might seek material rewards or damages, but forgiveness means they have to relinquish any demands. They may also want to maintain the moral superiority they feel to the perpetrator, and they think that forgiveness will cause them to lose this feeling (Baumeister et al., 1998).
A third reason is based on people’s fear that the same offense will occur again; they don’t want to make themselves vulnerable again. Victims sense that once something has happened to them, it very well may happen again. If they don’t forgive, the person who hurt them may continue to experience guilt, which in turn may stop the person from repeating the hurtful behavior (Baumeister et al., 1998). This fear is most intense when the offense was severe, intentional, and repeated by a person who is not repentant. Repetition is more likely when a person has previously offered implicit forgiveness in which the feelings and specific details were not stated overtly and clearly.
These behaviors may, to some people, convey condoning more than forgiveness; therefore, they believe it is acceptable for them to repeat the behavior (Exline & Baumeister, 2000).Because they do not understand the true nature of forgiveness, some people fear that forgiving will make them appear weak. They are concerned that the offender may interpret their forgiveness as backing down or giving in. They perceive holding on to their anger and resentment as a way to establish or maintain their power over the other person (Exline & Baumeister, 2000). The hurtful actions of others usually wound our pride and attack our self esteem. We then think that forgiveness will imply an acceptance of this loss of face and somehow indicate that we should have acted in some way to defend ourselves and our rights (Baumeister et al., 1998). People also think that grudges and fantasies of revenge provide power, but in truth they lead to damage to mental and physical health as well as to the relationship. Thoughts of revenge also drain energy that could be put to more productive use (McCullough et al., 1997).
Others simply want to hold on to their status as victims and whatever benefits they perceive this status to convey (Exline & Baumeister, 2000). Being a victim allows one to explore the pain that must be endured, to dwell in it. Being a victim likewise suggests an opportunity for other people to offer their attention, sympathy, and support. Moreover, some people place blame on others routinely and view other people as responsible for all the problems that occur in their lives (McCullough et al., 1997). In that sense, being the victim is their modus operandi. In any case, being a victim does have its perks.
Also, some people do not forgive because of a cynical world view. The intentional and severe hurt caused by others can skew the way people view the world. Some people adopt a cynical world view as they try to cope with their hurt. They no longer see the world as fair, and they overlook all the fairness that surrounds and overshadows the hurtful behavior; they simply no longer believe that the world is just.
In an effort to protect themselves, they become more suspicious and less trusting of everyone, not just of the person who hurt them (McCullough et al., 1997).Finally, people may fear that forgiving may preclude justice. They fear that their forgiveness will be viewed as release. People who have a strong sense of retributive justice believe that the perpetrator must in some way be punished for the hurtful behavior. These people are more concerned about justice than about a relationship. From their perspective, without punishment, the perpetrator gets away with the hurtful actions; they pay no price and suffer no consequences (Exline & Baumesiter, 2000).
In spite of these very real concerns about granting forgiveness, holding grudges negatively affects people. In the absence of forgiveness, people continue to suffer and experience negative emotions; they also begin to weave the role of victim into their self concept. Each time they think of the event or encounter the perpetrator, their level of anger and resentment increases. They feel miserable again and again and again. Additionally, maintaining the role ofa victim may interfere with people’s ability to act decisively in areas beyond the relationship with the perpetrator. Holding a grudge may eventually destroy not just the relationship between the two; it may extend the negativity into other relationships connected to the original one (Bau- meister et al., 1998). Failure to forgive also affects people psychologically. Maltby and Day (2004) found that both men and women who had not forgiven others scored higher on measures of depression. Additionally, men scored lower on social extraversion, and women’s results indicated social dysfunction and psychotocism.