Seeking and Receiving Forgiveness
When people make the effort to apologize and seek forgiveness, they, too, will benefit. But people must recognize that forgiveness is a gift they receive from the person they have offended.
And as with any gift, people give willingly—not when others demand that they do so (Enright & Group, 1996). People must wait for forgiveness, and they must even understand that sometimes it may not come despite their apologies and expressions of guilt and remorse (Gassin, 1998).To seek forgiveness, people must be aware of their responsibility for the hurt the other person has suffered. Additionally, people must understand that seeking forgiveness involves a loss of face for them. They must be willing to, if necessary, offer repentance and restitution. Of course, these behaviors require humility. People usually seek forgiveness because of empathy for the person they hurt and their concern about the damage to the relationship (McCullough et al., 1997).
Being forgiven can allow people to feel that they have been released from their guilt and remorse. Positive results occur much more frequently than negative ones. A sense of relief and a sense ofjoy were the most commonly reported effects. The second most common was an obligation or desire not to hurt the person again. Forgiveness also produced changes in people’s moral thoughts, feelings, commitment, and behavior. These positive outcomes occurred more when people had changed, or at least had tried to change, as a result of their guilt and remorse (Gassin, 1998).
People experience various motivations for seeking forgiveness. The most commonly mentioned motivation was well-being of self and/or other. People wanted to reduce or eliminate the negative feelings they or the other felt. Restoring the relationship was another common motivation. People wanted to reestablish the trust and maintain the relationship with the person they had hurt. People also attempted to receive forgiveness using a variety of strategies. Direct strategies included discussion to explain their actions, direct requests for forgiveness, and the use of third parties. Also viewed as direct strategies were apologizing, stating remorse, and accepting responsibility for the behavior. Indirect strategies were humor, having a third person request forgiveness, using ingratiation strategies, and using nonverbal displays of emotion. These strategies can be used alone or combined in ways to most effectively achieve the person’s goal of receiving forgiveness (Kelley, 1998).
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