Sensitivity
If people want to handle conflict competently, they need to consider the multiple goals that both they and their partners have (Applegate, 1990). Being mindful of the goals of interaction partners, as well as of their own goals, should help people avoid sacrificing their secondary goals in their focused pursuit of their primary goal (Cupach & Canary, 2000).
People use social and personal knowledge of their partners to include in their own strategic conflict; perceptions of their partners’ goals, plans, beliefs, and resources affect their own goals and plans (Read & Millar, 1989). Reconciling conflicting goals is difficult, but people need to obtain information about their partners’ goals and plans to help them understand the history and context of the conflict. Doing so will help them deal with conflict in ways that will protect their relationship (Peterson, 1989).Information-sharing (both giving and receiving) allows the actor to believe that the partner wants or is willing to let him/her achieve his/her goals. Peterson (1989) expressed a similar idea in his concept of social validation. He explains that the process involves the person’s knowledge of his/her own goals and plans, the expression of these views to the partner, the accurate reception and perception of this information by the partner, and a response from the partner.
Read and Miller (1989) emphasize the importance of partners’ knowing each others’ goals; however, they also acknowledge the difficulty of learning what those goals are, because people do not always reveal their goals and are often not willing to discuss them directly with their partners. Likewise, Peterson (1989) indirectly recognizes the difficulty inherent in this process because of the many barriers to effective communication and because of the levels of insight and trust required in social validation.
When people lack clear information about their partners’ goals, they attempt to fill in the gaps. In discussing their interpersonalism model, Read and Miller (1989) indicate that because people lack direct revelation of goals from their partners, they often use attributions based on social and individual knowledge to infer the others’ goals, with all the inherent biases and other problems involved in such attribution. Yet people continue to infer their partner’s goals because managing seemingly incompatible goals is “one of the most difficult and important problems encountered in any relationship” (Peterson, 1989, p. 330).
Attention to a partner and his/her goals reflects both self-presentation and relational goals; people are seen as responsive and sensitive rather than egotistical and self-centered (Tracey, 1984). They are also viewed as more attractive because people are drawn to others who help them achieve their own goals (Lipkus & Rusbult, 1993). Also, when people think others want to help them achieve their goals, they are more likely to find ways to handle conflicts that allow for discussion and more integrative behaviors and solutions (Witteman, 1992). Seeking information about others’ goals conveys interest in other people. Information sharing helps people explain their goals; in turn, the questioner develops insight and Understanding to use in guiding strategic conflict (Tutzauer & Roloff, 1988).
Information about their partners aids people in forming impressions of their partners and interpreting their statements accurately (Wyer, Swan, & Gruenfeld, 1995). This knowledge can also help people have smoother interactions. After all, misunderstandings can occur when people define the goal for a situation differently (Wilson et al., 1998). Overall, the interdependent nature of the actions required to achieve interpersonal goals necessitates that, to be perceived as competent communicators, people must consider the goals of both participants in an interaction.
In contrast, people who pursue their own goals while ignoring or denying the validity of their partners’ goals risk damaging the relationship (Newton & Burgoon, 1990). Additionally, ignoring others’ goals could result in people’s creating less than optimal plans for achieving their own goals; in the worst situations, ignoring the partner could most likely result in failure to achieve goals (Berger & Kellerman, 1994). Although gaining information about the partner’s goals may not be simple or direct, knowing those goals to some extent is necessary for a person to plan strategically to manage the conflict successfully.
Conclusion 11.7: Conflict refers to incompatibility of two goal sets between people, which requires direct and cooperative conflict tactics to solve those incompatibilities.
Suggestion 11.9: Be mindful that two goal sets operate because conflict inherently carries with it disagreement that requires negotiation with the other person; accordingly, rely on negotiation tactics.