Why Women Stay in Abusive Relationships

Many people wonder why women stay in abusive relationships. Naturally, people are complex and motivations for staying or leaving any relationship defy simple explanation. Also, people on the outside looking in likely underestimate the emo­tions that abused partners experience—their lives are in real danger.

We do know that abusive people learn various ways to gain control over their partners (Lloyd & Emery, 2000). For instance, abusive people might call their partners at all times of the day, listen on an extension to their telephone conver­sations with other people, not allow them to talk with certain friends or family members, refuse to discuss their relationships, follow them, monitor how they dress, limit their time away from home, and so forth. On this last example, Rus- bult and Martz (1995) found that a primary predictor of remaining in an abusive relationship was the simple lack of transportation—women in abusive relation­ships tended not to own a car.

In short, women do not necessarily want to stay. They sometimes simply see no way out. Johnson (2001) framed the problem this way: “Women almost always do leave such relationships, as soon as they can put together the informa­tion and the financial resources they need to escape to a reasonably safe life for themselves and their children. Of course, that is what the women’s shelter move­ment is all about” (p. 103).

In a summary of the research, Lloyd and Emery (2000) provided seven traits of ongoing intimate aggression. These traits each suggest ways that abuse might be revealed and discouraged. They are as follows:

(1) Most women do not believe that aggression will occur to them. Accordingly, most women are not on guard for the signs of an abusive partner.

(2) Aggression is not necessarily associated with relational dissatisfaction or insta­bility. People sometimes interpret violent acts as signs of love.

(3) The discourse of aggression and intimate relationships entails cultural myths. In terms of aggression, people too often excuse the aggressor, blame the victim, confuse definitions of aggression, and render the nature of intimate violence as invisible. In terms of intimate relationships, the myths of equality between the sexes, idealized romance, and male need for sex all reinforce violence toward women.

(4) Interpersonal communication intersects with intimate violence, and these authors point to some of the research reviewed earlier in this chapter. Also, it is difficult for women to talk about being abused.

(5) Control is key to understanding intimate violence and aggression. Men con­trol women in various ways, for instance, by cutting them off from friends and family (as mentioned above).

(6) Women feel betrayed and they blame themselves for what has happened to them. They feel betrayed by their partners and paradoxically feel responsible for their condition.

(7) Victims of physical and sexual violence are silenced in multiple ways. Both cultural factors (e.g., disagreement about what constitutes violence) and indi­vidual factors (e.g., shame) work against women discussing their experiences.

In brief, the research on abuse points to the process of conflict management as central to understanding how abuse occurs and continues. Reflecting on this issue and how communication can potentially work to discourage abuse, we could offer a number of principles. For instance, one take-away thought concerns how people who engage each other in clear and calm arguments manage to avoid abu­sive behaviors. Another is that women in particular need to protect themselves once such behaviors appear moot. Given the complexity and severity of the abuse issue, however, we would only plead with the reader to consider the following:

Conclusion 14.1: Ongoing abuse is different than common couple violence in that abuse involves attempts to control the partner through hurting the partner's self­esteem, emotional stability, and physical welfare.

Suggestion 14.1: For strategic conflict, rely on negotiation tactics, because abusive behaviors destroy the person and the relationship you want.