Silence and Isolation
In the United States, we can speak up for our rights and against violence, or can we? While some Olinaltecan women kidnapped were silent about speaking out and were isolated into a marriage of inconvenience, we women victims in the United States can speak up, and yet we receive silence from our listeners who later isolate themselves from us.
That is how “Gail” treated me:I am ashamed of myself because I did nothing. I didn’t call her. I didn’t write to her. I couldn’t talk to her about it. I didn’t want to hear about it. I still can’t read her account of what happened that night. I hugged my pain and my anger to my breast and I did nothing. Although I feel deep emotions, I can’t express them. And I don’t cope with others’ emotional problems.
Gail’s reaction was avoidance: she silenced and isolated herself from me. Susan on the other hand had regular contact with me as I stayed weekends at her country home, 45 minutes away from work and the crime scene. For three months, I worked with the police and a private investigator to find the rapist and by the fourth month, we had his identity. His blood was sent off to the laboratory for DNA fingerprinting analysis. This new method of scientific identification has freed the victim of stranger rapists from the trauma of identifying the attacker. [DNA analysis became legally available in the course of my long struggle in pursuing the case with the police (Lewis 1988). Although the case took seven years to get to trial and was aired on 48 Hours (May 11,1994), the rapist finally received five life terms.]
This ongoing investigation was, at that time, part of my life and a part of my life that I discussed as the details unfolded. “Susan” was perceptive of how people reacted to what they felt was an investigation that never ended:
Cathy continued to talk about the rape for months. I began to notice some people avoiding her in order to avoid hearing about it.
I began to appreciate the spirit of this woman even more as time went on because, as the intended support of people around her began to wane, and she was experiencing the cruelty imposed by insensitive, ignorant people, she pushed on, trying to work and resume a ‘normal life'.To mention rape is to resurrect our fears for ourselves or others, or memories of past assaults. Many people, even professional feminists as in the case of “Ellen,” suggested professional listeners instead of their own time. When asked for help by attending a meeting on an unrelated matter, Ellen responded by writing a letter instead of calling me in person.
I wish I could be more helpful to you. As you said, this time will be very difficult for you. If you need extra or new support now, I'd like to suggest some folks you might consult. These women, all licensed psychologists, were suggested by my husband, who is a licensed psychologist. After I told him the general nature of your experience, he mentioned Sue [who] has had extensive experience working with battered women [Was I battered or raped? Are these the same?].
Ellen's support as a feminist was to get advice from her husband and then send me to a therapist for weekly sessions at $50 to $75 per hour, not covered by my medical insurance. The silent presence of Ellen sitting next to me during a meeting did not occur. Ellen did not even formally reject my request to be my listener, just to be an extra set of ears, wordless and inactive. She could not even support me that much. I have since written two articles addressing the constraints of counselors against victim-survivors, and how these constraints are rape-like (Winkler 1994a, 1994b).