Issue 2: Examining How Hurtful Messages and Responses to Hurtful Messages Function Within Conflict Interactions
Hurt and other vulnerable or “soft” emotions can be associated with either negative or positive communication (Sanford, 2007b). Sometimes, hurt individuals are able to elicit empathy; other times, they become emotionally flooded and defensive, which can usher in Gottman’s (1994) four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Vangelisths (1994; Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998) work on hurtful messages may add specificity to the cascade model by identifying specific types of verbal messages that are perceived as especially critical or contemptuous, and are therefore likely to prompt emotional flooding, defensiveness, and eventually even stonewalling. For example, certain types of accusations (e.g., “You’re crazy”), expressed desires (e.g., “Sometimes I wish I’d never met you”), and informative statements (e.g., “You sure weighed a lot less when we got married”) may be particularly hurtful because they are perceived as highly critical or contemptuous. Identifying messages that are especially hurtful would help practitioners, who could train clients to avoid using such messages. By the same token, it would be valuable to learn how hurt can be communicated in nondefensive ways that elicit empathy.
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