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Issue 2: Examining How Hurtful Messages and Responses to Hurtful Messages Function Within Conflict Interactions

Hurt and other vulnerable or “soft” emo­tions can be associated with either negative or positive communication (Sanford, 2007b). Sometimes, hurt individuals are able to elicit empathy; other times, they become emotion­ally flooded and defensive, which can usher in Gottman’s (1994) four horsemen of the apoca­lypse.

Vangelisths (1994; Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998) work on hurtful messages may add speci­ficity to the cascade model by identifying specific types of verbal messages that are perceived as especially critical or contemptuous, and are therefore likely to prompt emotional flooding, defensiveness, and eventually even stonewall­ing. For example, certain types of accusations (e.g., “You’re crazy”), expressed desires (e.g., “Sometimes I wish I’d never met you”), and informative statements (e.g., “You sure weighed a lot less when we got married”) may be particu­larly hurtful because they are perceived as highly critical or contemptuous. Identifying messages that are especially hurtful would help practitio­ners, who could train clients to avoid using such messages. By the same token, it would be valu­able to learn how hurt can be communicated in nondefensive ways that elicit empathy.

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Source: Oetzel John, Ting-Toomey Stella. The SAGE Handbook of Conflict Communication: Integrating Theory, Research and Practice. SAGE Publications,2013. — 912 p.. 2013

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