Socialization of Conflict Communication Behaviors

Families socialize children to adopt par­ticular conflict styles in their interpersonal relationships (Koerner & Fitzpatrick, 1997, 2002c; Noller, 1995; Rinaldi & Howe, 2003).

There is considerable empirical evidence suggesting that children have conflict styles that are very similar to that of their parents. This similarity is not only observed during intrafamily conflict but also during conflicts that children have with persons from outside the family and in the subsequent interpersonal relationships of adult children. For example, Montemayor and Hanson (1985) found that adolescents reported using similar conflict styles in relationships with their parents and in relationships with their siblings. Similarly, in a study of 163 families comparing the con­flict styles of family members during dyadic conflict with other family members and that of adolescent children with their romantic part­ners, Reese-Weber and Bertle-Haring (1998) found that the conflict styles of parents and children were significantly correlated.

Distinguishing among the conflict styles of compromising, attacking, and avoiding, Reese- Weber and Bertle-Haring (1998) found that interparental conflict style was directly related to conflict styles of parents in dyadic conflict with their children. Specifically, results showed that interparental use of compromising was positively correlated with adults’ and chil­dren’s use of compromise and negatively cor­related with their use of attack and avoidance for all intrafamily dyadic relationships.

A study by Rinaldi and Howe (2003) also investigated similarities of conflict styles among family members. Results were simi­lar to the Reese-Weber and Bertle-Haring (1998) study in that family members reported similar use of constructive and destructive conflict styles in all possible family dyads (parent-parent, parent-child, child-child). The researchers’ interpretation of the data, however, was somewhat different. In addi­tion to looking at reports of conflict behav­iors, these authors also collected family members’ perceptions of the conflict styles they employed in other family dyads and found that these perceptions are also highly correlated. From this, the authors concluded that rather than just learning conflict com­munication styles from one another on a behavioral level, family members also share their perceptions of family communication in general and family conflict in particular. Thus, it is not only specific conflict behaviors that children are socialized to in families but rather their entire perception of how families communicate with one another and the role that conflict plays in family life.

My own research (Koerner & Fitzpatrick, 1997, 2002c; Koerner & Maki, 2004) on family conflict and its role in adult children’s subse­quent interpersonal relationship also supports the idea that conflict behaviors are not learned in isolation, but they are part of the larger socialization of family communication patterns (FCP) in general.

Another group of researchers also found that children not only learn conflict com­munication behaviors from their families of origin but that through conflict behaviors, they acquire beliefs and values that go beyond conflict and involve other aspects of relation­ships (Burleson et al., 1995). These scholars argue that how parents resolve conflicts with their children teaches them important lessons about other persons and how to relate to them. Specifically, Burleson et al. claim that, in general, parents use two different communica­tion strategies to regulate children’s behaviors: (1) a person-centered approach and (2) a position-centered approach. In the person­centered approach, parents employ regulating and comforting messages to their children that emphasize how other people are affected by the child’s behavior. In particular, person-centered communication focuses on the needs, values, feelings, and psychology of others and how they are affected by the child’s behavior. In contrast, the position-centered approach employs regu­lating and comforting messages that empha­size rules and norms that apply regardless of whether or how others are affected by the behavior. In other words, the person-centered approach encourages children to develop com­munication skills that enhance their ability to be empathetic and to take the other person’s perspective on their own behavior. Ultimately, it leads children to develop complex and sophisticated mental representations of them­selves, others, and their interpersonal relation­ships (Burleson et al., 1995; Young, 2009).

In sum, the available evidence clearly estab­lishes a significant role of family conflict com­munication for the socialization of conflict behaviors of children in interpersonal rela­tionships within and external to their families. This socialization, however, is not limited to conflict behavior but is part of a larger socialization process. The socialization of family conflict behaviors is part and parcel of a general socialization process accomplished by families that involves fundamental beliefs about family communication that are shared by family members and constitute family com­munication schemata (Koerner & Fitzpatrick, 2002b, 2004).