Balancing Living and Dying

In general, people facing death continue the process they began in re­sponse to depression and fatigue. They concentrate their energies on what is possible. They let go of some things they had wanted, mostly long-term career goals.

In a way, they seem both to live and to die at once. Not only did Helen plan her trip to the beach the following summer and buy beach clothes, she also celebrated Mother’s Day in December—“In case I wasn’t here,” she said. Alan says his life is “back to normal,” and he doesn’t “sit around waiting to get sick,” but he doesn’t “order things that will take a year to get,” either. Dean says, “I’m keeping myself healthy and trying to keep the disease from getting worse”; he also says, “I won’t enroll in night school, I’m afraid I couldn’t finish.”

These people are not contradicting themselves. They are dealing with two facts; one is that they are dying, and the other is that they are still alive. They have to live recognizing both death and life. “I might need some help dying,” said Edward. “But I also need help with living until I die, graciously and with dignity.”

In fact, people have always had to learn to do this. Everyone has to figure out how to stay alive and still be ready for death, how to approach dying and still live the rest of their lives.

Eventually people say that they have always known how. At some time in their lives, they have had to accept the inevitable with courage and grace. “If we have not known how to live,” wrote Montaigne, “it is wrong to teach us how to die, and make the end inconsistent with the whole. If we have known how to live steadfastly and tranquilly, we shall know how to die in the same way.” Lisa’s husband said the same thing, that he would die as he lived, by paraphrasing the Bible: “I know I came into this world naked and I will go out naked.” The person who has lived is the same as the person who will die. If you know yourself at all, you know how you will die.