Other People's Reactions to Death

We are raised to think of death not as a necessity but as an enemy. When people who are still healthy are confronted with someone who is dying, they are intensely uncomfortable. They are frightened of losing the dy­ing person, of their own deaths, and of death’s finality.

Sometimes their discomfort, their not wanting to “deal,” makes peo­ple appear insensitive. Helen was in a mall, shopping, and someone she

knew came up and asked, “Why have you got all those shopping bags? Aren’t you dying soon?” Helen snapped back, “How soon are you dy­ing?” but she was surprised and confused and hurt by her friend’s ques­tion. Dean had a friend who habitually made a joke of looking around at Dean’s furnishings and saying, “Oh, that’s new. Leave it to me in your will.” Dean finally replied, “Okay, that’s fine. Do you want the kitchen chairs too?” After that, the friend dropped the joke. Such remarks sound insensitive, as though the person is taunting you with life and health. But they are not; no one is this callous. Insensitivity is the method some peo­ple use to deal with their own pain and fear. The method is certainly in­appropriate. Both Helen and Dean let their friends understand how in­appropriate their remarks were and that they should be more careful in the future.

Sometimes people’s discomfort with the reality of death isolates those who are dying. People facing death often find that other people are friendly and sympathetic but want to talk only about easy, comfortable subjects. When the subject of death comes up, they talk instead about what they’ve done recently, or about the future: “I can’t wait until we get you to a ballgame.” They also sugarcoat the subject: “Remember how sick you thought you were before, and a month later you were off on a trip.” This is hard on people facing death.

But everyone facing death also knows some people who will “deal.” Perhaps it is someone who also faces death or someone who has lost a person they loved, or a professional who has had training in helping peo­ple handle the emotions and problems of dying. Often it is someone who loves the dying person and is less afraid than other people of the reality of death. These people tell the person who is dying that they will not leave, they will stay as long as they can. With Helen’s young nephew, that message is reversed. Helen’s nephew worries about Helen’s death, and Helen tries to help by telling him he won’t be abandoned: “My nephew cries when he thinks about it,” Helen said. “I tell him, ‘I’m not going to give up easily and I’m going to try to be there for your gradu­ation. Don’t be disappointed if I can’t, but I’ll try.’”