Target Self-Esteem

The distrust, protection, need for elderly care, and lack of education were the basis for how parents in Olinala judged their children, and such patterns of judgment have paral­lels in the United States in how we make statements which target one's self-esteem.

The week after the attack, while staying at a friend's house, a previously planned party took place. Since my face was bruised, my attendance at the party was strictly be­cause of their encouragement. With trepidation, I experienced the first greeting: “Oh, I am so sorry for what happened. How could this happen to you?” Her pity response re­flected her self-denial and pity is false sympathy. She had emphasized in her statement to you and that emphasis pointed out that she was not a victim type. She continued: “Oh, I am so sorry for you. I know you didn't intentionally mean for this to happen to you.” Embedded in her sorrow was her knowledge that she was not the type of person to be raped. Rape could not be part of her good life. She rejected the fact that the act of rape was an attack against all people, and instead braided into her words the idea that rape is selectively wrong. But rape does not selectively occur.

I grabbed the free seat at my friends' table, but unfortunately, another seat was avail­able, and “Judy” found it. While I had freed myself from the pity person, she was not the only insensitive person.

“Well, you must be the bruised lady that Stephanie [my daughter] told me about. She told me there was a black and blue lady here. Ha, ha, ha!” “Did your daughter tell you why my face is bruised?”

“No, I didn't ask.”

How appropriate! We make jokes of others' misfortune and do not even think to ask what caused that misfortune.

Another part of that pattern of misjudging is the blame category.

I was angry at you, Cathy, just because you were the victim. Again, I expected you to move out but your rape forced me to have to deal with the house when I would have preferred to have life run smoothly. I'd rather worry about things that would never really happen. So I did blame you for your own rape. I always knew that no one deserves rape, but I had to continue to get along with Gerri. It was easier to blame you for our problems. I needed someone to be angry at and you were convenient. I wanted to be angry at the rapist, but he was not available.

Rob demonstrated his blame on me in multiple ways: “your rape,” “your own rape,” “to blame you for our problems,” and “no rapist available.” Of course the problem of renting the house had to be someone's fault, according to Rob. If a rapist does not mate­rialize, then we inappropriately seek the next closest person: the victim-survivor. I re­ceived the blame and the guilt for the rapist's acts and the repercussions from his attack.

My private life, my home life, and even my work life contained people eager to judge or misjudge me. The first day back to work I saw the chair of my department and asked her whether we could get the locks on the front door of the office changed since the rapist stole my keys and knows where I work. The simple request initially netted me a diagnosis of “paranoia,” from another woman!

My professional life also encountered callous judgments and mistreatments. Profes­sionals who had spoken, written, and experienced rape themselves had negative com­ments for me. To several of these women I sent the first chapter of my book that de­scribed the rape attack. In that chapter, I attempted to be honest about my thoughts and details about the movements and words of the rapist for those three and half hours.

The assistant editor for a series on violence told me that my book would be accepted dependent on the editor's decision, but she added that she felt that would not be a prob­lem. For months, “Jean” gave me the royal treatment. She was so excited about the book that she told other editors at the press and this information got back to me. How many authors named Winkler are writing a book on rape! Then the assistant editor called and told me the book was rejected by the editor. Her voice betrayed her feeling of sadness. At the next conference, I introduced myself to the editor and asked her why she had rejected my book. Her response was:

“No one will believe you were raped that way. You could not think or act like that. To the reader, the rape will seem like a fabrication. You have to be true to life.”

“Do you mean I was raped the wrong way?”

“No, but you have interjected more material in there than really happened. You could not have thought that way.”

“I have had over two hundred of my students read this account and they believe it. Are those two hundred people along with a dozen professionals wrong?”

“That's just a fluke. I'm sorry about this. I know how hard it is, but you are too close to your rape. You need more distance. You know, I was raped too.”

This editor has never admitted publicly that a rapist attacked her. Instead she has written about others' tortures—objectively. For her, distance was necessary at that his­torical time to succeed academically, but should she reject a subjective account from someone who is willing to speak?

“Sharon” was no different. She too had suffered a terrible ordeal of rape and had tes­tified against the rapist. She ran a crime center in a major city and had published first­hand accounts of rape. Thinking that I would get understanding and respectable criticism, I sent her a copy of the first chapter on the attack. Sharon answered with this letter:

There's no pleasant way to say this, but... I'll do it quickly: while I realize this is an early draft, I find this very poorly written and conceptualized and full of factual errors ???—Would like to discuss this with you—try. More soon—Sharon

How does one make factual errors on a rape attack? Did I get the rape wrong? While people have many meanings for the reasons why they respond, I was not able to discover from either of these writing professionals their reasons for protecting their self-esteem and negating mine. On the other hand, I was able to discover the multiple meanings be­hind the kidnappings in Olinala.