But What about the Kids?

Should partners in high-conflict relationships stay together for the sake of the chil­dren? We will address that question shortly. First, we need to establish whether con­flict between partners has any effects on children.

Consistent with the research offered in previous sections of this chapter, the effects of parental conflict on child adjustment vary to the extent that parents are cooperative versus competitive with each other. For example, marital conflict has been linked to the quality of children’s sleep. Good sleep is critical to the quality of one’s life; lack of good sleep predicts poor performance at school, inatten­tion, and emotionality (e.g., anger control; El-Sheikh, Buckhalt, Mize, & Acebo, 2006, p. 38).

El-Sheikh and colleagues conceptualized parental conflict as a cause of chronic stress for children that would disrupt their sleep. They examined the quality and quantity of sleep, based on mother reports, child self-reports, and an actigrah (a lightweight mechanism about the size of a wristwatch that measures tossing and turning). These researchers found that children in homes characterized by hostile conflict suffered in the extent to which they slept well, as opposed to children in homes where conflict was managed more constructively.

The instigation of conflict and displays of anger are especially upsetting to children. Cummings and colleagues (2001) summarized the effects of negative parental conflict on children. This summary is presented in Table 14.1. As Table 14.1 indicates, the effects of destructive conflict on children reflect in various the emotional, regulatory, and representational responses. Many of these effects are quite intuitive, whereas others are less obvious. For example, beginning at about five years of age, children sometimes attempt to intervene or mediate the conflicts between parents (Cummings et al., 2001). Or they might engage in behaviors that indirectly intervene in the parental conflicts in hopes of stopping them, such as pretending to be ill, getting in trouble in school, running away, or other devia­tions from the norm (Robin and Foster, 1989).

TABLE 14.1 Effects of Marital Conflict on Children

Emotional Reactivity

• Facial: Distress, anger

• Motor: Inhibition, freezing, play slows or stops

• Self-report: Anger, sadness, fear

• Physiological: Heart rate, blood pressure, skin conductance, vagal tone

• Interpersonal: Aggression, support of siblings or peers

Regulation of Marital Conflict

• Intervention, mediation, helping. Being good.

• Avoidanceor withdrawal

Representations of Marital Relations

• Interpretation of the meaning or potential consequences for children's own well-being

• Interpretations of the meaning or potential consequences for others (e.g., the parents, siblings, family.

From Cummings et al.

In terms of children’s adjustment, parental conflict affects the manner in which children cope internally. Several studies have found that children become more and more anxious, depressed, and withdrawn when parental conflict is competitive (for reviews, see Cummings & Davies, 2002; Emery, 1982). In addi­tion, these effects are most prominent when children appraise the cause of the conflict as something that is threatening or when they blame themselves for caus­ing of the conflict (Grych, Fincham, Jouriles, & McDonald, 2000). Grych et al. (2000) used both a community sample and a battered women’s shelter to obtain data from children about the frequency and intensity of their parents’ conflict. These authors found that when children felt threatened by parental conflict (e.g., they might get involved somehow) or when they blamed themselves for their parents’ conflicts (e.g., they are the root cause of their parents’ conflict), then destructive conflict leads to increases in anxiety, depression, and withdrawal. However, if the child did not feel threatened by parental conflict and did not self­blame, then the effects of destructive conflict on internationalization problems were greatly reduced.

Moreover, the effects of competitive conflict can be seen in externalizing adjustment problems. For instance, Grych et al. (2000) found that children’s reports of their parents’ destructive conflicts were positively associated with the children’s aggression in both school and home (as reported by their teachers and mothers). And these effects held regardless of the appraisals made. Other studies have found that parental conflict predicts other forms of externalization prob­lems, including problems related to developing friendships, getting bad grades, and poor scores on standardized tests (Cummings et al., 2001).

BOX 14.1 STUDENT STORY

Caught in the Middle

^by

Richard Elliott

The conflict that I would like to elaborate upon is in regards to the manner in which my father views my relationship with my grandmother.

Several weeks ago, my family started to discuss the arrangements for attending my graduation this December. My father attending my gradua­tion is very important to me. He was not at my high school graduation and has missed several other major events in my life, so him being there to watch me graduate college is very important. When I called him a few weeks back to ask him to come to my graduation, I expressed to him how important it is that he be there. His response to this was that he would of course be there and would not miss it for the world.

A few days passed and we spoke on the phone again. This time he immedi­ately brought to my attention that he would not be there if my grandmother was there. I reminded him about the promise that he made to me before. But he said that he did not care, because he was not going to let my grandmother ruin my life as she did his. Things went back and forth between us for about five minutes and I eventually just hung up on him because I did not want to deal with the situation anymore. As it stood, he was not going to come and was trying to make me decide between him and my grandmother.

Throughout my life, I have always been reluctant to engage in an argu­ment as being passive seemed to be the best way to feel safe and secure in my relationships. Many of my friends and romantic partners have said that I am very weak when it came to conflicts, and the fact that this one involved my own father made it even harder to deal with.

Many people, especially when it comes to their family, want to change things for the better. Sometimes you can, and sometimes making those changes is harder to do than just dealing with the problem. I am not sure if this experience with my father changed the way that I view conflict or the way in which I will handle it in the future. Looking at the situation, I think I have learned that no matter how I view my relationship with my father throughout my life, I cannot change the way he is. I may want him to be proud of me and want to be in my life, but if he chooses to not be there because a relationship that I have with my grandmother interferes with what he is comfortable with, he just may not be in it.

Discussion Questions

1. Have you ever been caught between two parents, as Richard is here?

2. What do you think of the tone of his account? Does it sound energized or subdued, perhaps even depressed?

3. Do you think that the father's pressure to side with him affected the way Richard deals with conflict with others?

4. What do you think of Richard's decision to side with his grandmother? What does that say about his attitude toward his father?

5. What is your response when someone you care about forces you to choose between him/her or someone else you care about?

In addition, it appears that boys (more than girls) engage in externalizing prob­lems (Robin & Foster, 1989). Emery (1982) suggested that girls usually engage in “overcontrolling” behaviors (e.g., withdrawal, overly positive and prosocial actions), whereas boys more frequently rely on “undercontrolling” behaviors (e.g., showing aggression, running away). In this manner, according to Emery, boys’ signs of maladjustment are often more obvious than are girls’ signs of mal­adjustment.

For different reasons, including loyalty pressures by one or both parents, the child sometimes becomes involved in the parental conflict (or what researchers call “triangulation”). And research indicates that triangulation can have detrimental effects on children’s experience of parental conflict as well as their emotional and behavioral adjustment (Grych, Raynor, & Fosco, 2004). For example, Grych et al. (2000) found that triangulation was positively associated with the extent to which adolescents perceived their parents’ conflicts as threatening and as something for which they (the children) are to blame. In addition, these authors found that more conflicts between parents lead to increased feelings of triangulation, although ado­lescents who did take the side of one parent also felt triangulated in situations where conflicts were not very frequent. And when pressured to align, children tend to take the side of one parent and demonstrate hostility toward the other parent or they withdraw from both parents (Buchanan & Waizenhofer, 2001).

Finally, we address the question of whether unhappily married people should stay together for the sake of the children. Research by Amato and T. Afifi pro­vide suggest the answer of a qualified “no.” Amato and Keith (1991) published a meta-analysis related to this question. (A meta-analysis is the systematic and statisti­cal summary of research on a particular topic to date.) According to Amato and Keith, unhappily married couples who engage in destructive conflict might in fact do more damage to their children’s well-being than if they separated. Their summary indicates that children in high-conflict homes are significantly worse off (i.e., had more internalizing problems, poorer scores on homework and stand­ardized tests, more aggression with peers) than children of divorce. Also, they reported that children of divorce whose parents did not enact destructive conflict behaviors were better adjusted than children of divorce whose parents displayed destructive conflict behaviors. As one might speculate, children in low conflict, intact homes enjoyed the highest internal and external adjustment of all groups. Finally, these authors found that having at least one supportive parent to provide a warm home environment also reduced the damaging effects of conflict and divorce.

Subsequent research has also shown that parents sometimes and sometimes unknowingly recruit their children to combat the partner (see Afifi, 2010). Two negative impacts of triangulation are (1) children are burdened with loyalty con­flicts they should not have to deal with, and (2) children often will adopt the role of the absent parent—to be an adult who takes care of other members of the family. Accordingly,

Conclusion 14.12: Hostile Interparental conflicts adversely affect children’s social adjustment; triangulation is especially damaging.

Suggestion 14.3: Provide your children examples of cooperative conflict manage­ment, if possible.

Suggestion 14.4: Ifyou engage in hostile conflict with your partner, do so outside the range of your children’s field of vision and do not involve them in your conflicts.

Suggestion 14.5: If separating, be sure that at least one of you consistently provides your children with uncritical thoughts about your ex-partner, signs of security, mes­sages of comfort, and reassurance about their future well-being.