The Point of No Return

A relatively high proportion of negative behaviors lead to an extreme experience of flooding that Gottman (1994) calls diffuse physiological arousal (DPA). DPA is represented by increased blood pressure/heart rate, sweating, and other symptoms of the classic “fight versus flight” response (Gottman, 1990, 1994; Levenson & Gottman, 1983, 1985).

Moreover, negative messages are “absorbing,” such that unhappy partners tend to focus on the negative features of a message, whereas happy partners tend to focus on the informational value in the message (Gottman, 1994; Levenson & Gottman, 1983, 1985; Levenson, Carstensen, & Gottman, 1994). As Gottman argued, negativity “as an absorbing state implies that all these social processes [e.g., functional use of metacommunication] have less of a chance of working, because what people attend to and respond to is the negativity” (p. 64). For instance, the observation, “You look like Santa Claus in that sweater” can be interpreted as a personal attack or as honest feedback about one’s appearance. Whereas unsatis­fied partners would probably be offended by the negative features of the message,

satisfied partners would more likely tune in to the informational value of the mes­sage and perhaps do something about it (e.g., change clothes, join a gym).

Next, Gottman (1994) holds that people must somehow make sense of the negativity that they are faced with.

Accordingly, the reason why you might be unhappy and the reason why your partner uses negative and mean-spirited conflict messages is due to the kind of per­son your partner is. Why does this person criticize, condescend, and act rude? The answer is that this person is inherently selfish, inconsiderate, or worse. This person is an addict, a sociopath, or even the Devil himself. And when you finally wake up to the fact that you are sleeping with the Devil, it is near impossible to engage in effective strategic conflict strategies. You certainly do not want to disclose what you want out of the relationship or to trust what you partner says. According to Gottman, when partners begin interpreting their problems and conflicts using internal and negative attributions, then they have experienced “an abrupt flip in the perception of [their own] well-being.... This is the initial catastrophic change” (Gottman, 1994, p. 335). The change is catastrophic once you believe that your misery is due to some feature of your partner.

As indicated, the next phase of divorce involves two processes: increased isola­tion and distance, and rethinking the history of the marriage. We wish to note that the choice to remove yourself from your partner is your strategic choice as well as a psychological decision. It is strategic because one partner chooses avoidance as a path; she or he decides not to talk, not to listen, even not to be in the same room. But deciding not to discuss the relationship is a choice that works against the stability of the relationship. During this phase, people also rethink how they got into their relationships and they offer stories to friends and family members about the first signs of trouble, what a monster the spouse is, and so forth (Harvey, Orbuch, & Weber, 1991). Once these two events have simmered (avoidance and rethinking the history of the relationship), partners then separate and divorce.

Gottman’s model of relational dissolution summarizes key events regarding relational stability and quality. Given the breadth and depth of Gottman’s model of divorce and research on the topic:

Conclusions 14.2—14.11: (14.2) satisfied people engage in a higher ratio of positive to negative tactics; (14.3) people can perceive conflict tactics as comforting or threaten­ing; (14.4) four fighting tactics appear to be especially damning—complaining/criti- cizing, showing contempt, acting defensively, and stonewalling; (14.5) in reaction to negative conflict tactics, people experience diffused physiological arousal (DPA); (14.6) people interpret the cause of conflicts containing negative conflict tactics using global, stable, and internal factors; (14.7) partners distance themselves when nega­tivity becomes overbearing; (14.8) increases in isolation will occur; (14.9) partners will rethink the history of their relationship; (14.10) they will craft stories for friends that conveys this different history; and (14.11) separation/divorce will occur, beginning when partners make internal, stable, and global attributions about the other person.

Being mindful of the above ten points, one suggestion is offered:

Suggestion 14.2: Strategically use negotiation and nonconfrontation tactics to create a more satisfying and stable relationship, especially when these tactics significantly outweigh strategic use of negative tactics.