Return to Any Previous Event

Most conflicts are probably not contained within one episode. Conflicts often continue over time and across situations. The literature on serial argument (John­son & Roloff, 1998, 2000) is featured to identify factors that perpetuate conflict.

In addition, people can get stuck at any event in the conflict. For example, the argument might initially concern who will cook dinner that night. But one person interprets the conflict as caused by the other person’s laziness. In this case, the couple would likely argue about the attribution of laziness and the implica­tions of that attribution for the relationship instead of communicating about the original issue (who will cook dinner that night). Or people might use a hostile question tactic (“Who do you think you are not to cook dinner at least one night a week?”), which would likely prompt the reciprocation of negative behaviors (such as attack—defend, demand—withdraw, disagreement-disagreement, etc.). In such a case, the cooking dinner issue becomes obsolete when the parties focus on the self-presentation of the person who was challenged. Rigid adherence to certain forms of communication (especially avoidance) reflects partner dysfunc­tion that will not change regardless of the issue under discussion (Raush, Barry, Hertel, & Swain, 1974).

We conclude this book with a discussion of forgiveness. Wisdom in strategic conflict includes the willingness to let go of irresolvable conflicts and move on. Resenting the other person and ruminating about what could have happened do nothing to change the events of conflict. Rather, negative thoughts about the harmful event cause wear and tear on you, while the other person is probably oblivious to your ruminations. Strategic conflict here involves a conclusion to the offense, as parties to conflict move through states and stages of forgiveness.