Fearful Emotions

Bell and Song (2005) conceptualized fearful emotions as an avoidant reaction to the partner, which stems from not wanting to hurt or trouble the partner. Such emotions could, indeed, surface in conflicts, especially if one person fears that speaking the truth could hurt the other person’s feelings.

However, a broader conceptualization of fearful emotions would also include more deleterious forms of fear, such as avoiding the partner because one is afraid that the partner will leave or inflict hurt in response to a complaint or request for change. This type of fear drives a specific conflict pattern called the chilling effect (Roloff & Cloven, 1990). The chilling effect occurs when individuals avoid voicing their opinions and complaints because they fear that their partner will react negatively—perhaps by becoming aggressive or by ending the relationship. In this case, rather than fear stemming from a desire not to hurt one’s partner (as Bell & Song, 2005, conceptualized fearful emotions during conflict), fear stems from a desire not to be hurt by one’s partner. People are particularly susceptive to the chilling effect when they are more dependent on or more interested in maintaining the relationship than their partner is (Roloff & Cloven, 1990; Solomon, Knobloch, & Fitzpatrick, 2004). High levels of mutual commitment protect against the chilling effect. Therefore, moving past one’s fear and reinforcing commitment can help people break the conflict pattern associated with the chilling effect. Fear is also common during conflict revolving around traumatic events, such as infidelity, with partners worried that they will be hurt again in the future (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008). In more extreme cases, fear may be related to a pattern of violence in relationships. In particular, intimate terrorism involves the chronic use of violence as a means of controlling one’s partner (Johnson, 1995).

According to Johnson, fear is one of the primary tools that perpetrators of intimate terrorism use. Partners who are caught in a pattern of intimate terrorism should seek professional help. In an interview, Johnson noted that for therapists to “work effectively with an individual couple experiencing violence it would be important to ask them about the power and control issues involved in their relationship, and about the presence of fear in their relationship” (Ooms, 2006, p. 7). Gottman and his colleagues (2001) examined more general expressions of fear in marital dyads. They found that husbands who displayed fearful expressions at the beginning of a 4-year-longitudinal study reported having spent more time separated from their wives during the 4-year period. Both husbands and wives also reported more physical illness if the husband had previously displayed fearful expressions. These findings suggest that expressions of fear are associated with negative relational and health outcomes. In line with the chilling effect, fearful emotions could signal that a person is feeling powerless in the relationship or lacks the courage to confront the partner about important issues. If this is the case, problems will remain unresolved and conflict (although not usually overtly expressed) could fester and worsen.

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Source: Oetzel John, Ting-Toomey Stella. The SAGE Handbook of Conflict Communication: Integrating Theory, Research and Practice. SAGE Publications,2013. — 912 p.. 2013

Fearful Emotions

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