Vulnerable Emotions

The so-called soft or vulnerable emotions include hurt and sadness, which reflect a focus on oneself in relation to another (e.g., Christensen et al., 1995). Hurt is experienced as an unpleasant and often intense emotion that stems from feeling psychologically injured by another person (Folkes, 1982; Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998).

When people’s feelings are deeply hurt, they often experience other emotions related to vulnerability, such as anguish and sadness (Shaver et al., 1987). If partners decode these vulnerable or “soft” emotions, they are more likely to appraise a conflict as serious and important to resolve (Sanford & Grace, 2011). Research suggests that having one’s personal or relational identity attacked is the primary source of emotional hurt, as is evidenced by work on hurtful messages (Vangelisti, 1994). Vangelisti (1994) identified nine specific types of hurtful messages, the most common of which are evaluations (e.g., describing someone’s value or worth in a negative way, such as saying, “Going out with you was a huge mistake”); accusations (e.g., making statements that show a person’s faults, such as saying, “You’re such a snob”); and informative statements (e.g., disclosing facts that reflect badly on someone, such as saying, “I’m just not attracted to you anymore”). Obviously, these types of statements can cause conflict. They can also be used to try to attack one’s partner or defend oneself during the course of a conflict episode.

Hurt also occurs in response to relational transgressions, which have been defined as violations of implicit or explicit relational rules (Metts, 1994). Relational transgressions are perceived as betrayals and typically lead to emotional hurt and conflict (Metts, 1994; Vangelisti & Sprague, 1998). The most commonly identified relational transgressions among college students in romantic relationships are having sex with someone outside the primary relationship, wanting to or actually dating others, deceiving the partner, flirting with or kissing another, or being emotionally involved with someone outside the relationship (Metts, 1994).

Being dumped and being cheated on were also frequently mentioned as hurtful events in a study by Bachman and Guerrero (2006a).

Vangelisti and Crumley (1998) described three main responses to hurtful messages. First, hurt individuals can use active verbal responses such as verbally attacking the offending partner, defending the self, making sarcastic statements, and asking for an explanation. Second, hurt individuals can engage in acquiescent responses, which include crying, conceding (e.g., “Fine, I’ll just leave then”), and apologizing. Finally, hurt individuals can use invulnerable responses, such as ignoring the problem, laughing it off, and becoming quiet. Acquiescent responses were likely when people were deeply hurt by something a close relational partner said, perhaps because their “hurt was intense enough that they were willing (or perhaps forced) to display their vulnerability and acknowledge their conversational partners’ ability to hurt them” (Vangelisti & Crumley, 1998, p. 181). Individuals who experience intense hurt may also have a limited array of response tactics at their disposal since they are flooded with emotion. Active verbal responses, on the other hand, were most likely to be used when people were in satisfying relationships, presumably because people in satisfying relationships believe the overall tone of their relationship will remain positive despite an occasional hurtful comment or quarrel. In other studies, individuals who reported responding to hurtful events with integrative communication (e.g., problem solving with their partner), relational repair (e.g., strategies such as being affectionate and spending more time with one’s partner), and loyalty (e.g., waiting patiently for things to improve) were more likely to be satisfied with their relationships and to have forgiven their partners following a relational transgression (Bachman & Guerrero, 2006a, 2006b).

Expressions of sadness can also provide clues about the well-being of a relationship.

Greenberg and Goldman (2008) noted that sadness is often associated with feeling isolated or neglected and as such may indicate that there are low levels of desired qualities in a relationship. Gottman, Levenson, and Woodin (2001) conducted a longitudinal study investigating how facial expressions of emotion predict a host of marital outcomes 4 years later, including the degree of fondness individuals feel for their spouse, the degree of negativity in the marriage, and the extent to which participants identified themselves as part of a couple rather than as an individual, which Gottman and colleagues termed we- ness. Individuals who displayed sad facial expressions were more likely to report negativity in their marriages. In addition, when husbands displayed sadness, both they and their wives reported experiencing less “we- ness” later in the marriage. Overall, Gottman et al. (2001) concluded that sadness was one of several expressions that is important in predicting relational outcomes.

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Source: Oetzel John, Ting-Toomey Stella. The SAGE Handbook of Conflict Communication: Integrating Theory, Research and Practice. SAGE Publications,2013. — 912 p.. 2013

Vulnerable Emotions

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